My Restorer

By: Sara Wall

Guilty. Lonely. Anxious. Empty.

I am a Christian, but that is how I feel today and it alarms me. My failures as a wife and mother glare openly before me, causing my steps to falter. The Lord seems so silent. What is wrong? A Christian should not feel this way if Christ is truly dwelling within.

The past. It hurts, it really does. All the mistakes; I can’t redo them. I envision a huge eraser to erase them all, but I can’t do it. I imagine an enormous tub of white-out to blot them all out. I can’t do it.

The present. It’s impossible, I can’t take another step. I might fall; adding more guilt to my already growing pile of regrets.

The future. I fear, I really do. All the what-ifs; no second chances. I envision all the impossibilities, all the worst scenarios, and then I can’t move forward. I’m stuck.

And so I pray. “Lord, show me what is wrong. I can’t do this anymore. I have You, but why am I guilty, lonely, anxious and empty?”

I fall to my knees and weep openly, brokenly. I want His way. I want to walk in His victory.

I lay it ALL at Jesus’ feet. The past, present, and future. It hurts so much, but oh, the release!

And then He shows me His precious promises. I’m so amazed!

Past: “And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpillar, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you.” Joel 2:25

Present: “Be glad then, ye daughters of Zion, and rejoice in the LORD your God…”v.23 (paraphrased)

Future: “Fear not, O daughter; be glad and rejoice; for the LORD will do great things.”v.21

“And ye shall eat in plenty, and be satisfied, and praise the name of the LORD your God, that hath dealt wondrously with you: and my daughters shall never be ashamed.” v.26

“And it shall come to pass afterward, that I will pour out my spirit upon all flesh; and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, your old men shall dream dreams, your young men shall see visions.” v.28

The gratefulness that flows from my heart is something I cannot explain in words. The sheer wonder of a moment of such utter despondency to complete peace is something only God knows. It’s a miracle; a miracle of grace. It didn’t just happen when I got saved, but throughout the Christian life as again and again I surrender all to the One Who started the work in me. Jesus is the only One that can start, continue and finish the work He has begun in me.

Free. Loved. Relieved. Filled.

I am a Christian, and that is how I feel when I surrender my failures and worries as a mother to the One Who takes care of my past, present and future. I can’t erase all the memories of the mistakes I’ve made with my children, but the Lord can restore the wasted years and turn my mess into a beautiful masterpiece, fit for His use. The Lord will do great things in my home as I completely abandon my own way, fully committing my way to Him. So even if I can’t see the ending, I can still be glad and rejoice because of what the Lord has done in the past and will continue to do in the future.

As I cling to the promises of God, I am free, loved, relieved, and filled. Thank You, Jesus, my Restorer!